How a Drag Queen Taught Me to Be a Better Mother
Friday, April 14, 2017 at 4:39PM It was an ungodly hour on a Sunday morning in 2013 when I walked into Marlena’s bar in Hayes Valley, San Francisco to meet Misty Blue for what would become a life-altering bus trip to Colma. Misty sat at the bar with Sharon McGroin, huge sunglasses on both their faces as they dealt with the repercussions of the previous evening’s celebrations. Sharon’s drag mother, Patty McGroin, had just been crowned Empress and, while everyone was very happy, no one had really slept.
More Imperial Court members trickled into the shadowy bar, showing various states of disrepair, but greeting each other like long-lost family though they’d been together just hours before. Finally, the bus arrived and we boarded. At the front was a diminutive but powerfully charismatic figure, draped in a black veil over a tall crown. This was Jose Sarria, also known as Mama Jose and the Widow Norton, the founder of the Imperial Court of San Francisco. She was surrounded by her closest friends and courtiers, including her heir, Nicole the Great.
Once the bus reached the level rumble of the freeway, Mama Jose picked up the microphone and stood to address her court. Immediately, I understood how this seemingly small person in a veil could have changed the world. Her words resonated throughout the carriage and her audience listened closely, many understanding that these may be some of the last words they would hear from Jose. He was 90, after all, and he might not be able to make this pilgrimage to visit her long-passed “husband”, Emperor Norton, again. But the day was not sad, as Mama Jose infused her famous humor into every lesson.
“Don’t try to imitate past winners,” Mama Jose advised the newly elected rulers and any future aspirants who might be listening. “Be unique. Be honest. And always take the time to listen.”
She went on to say that it’s not easy to be a mama, because mamas always need to listen to their children. She described how it takes a half an hour to leave an event or gathering because everyone wants to talk…and mama has to listen. You could tell that she loved this, that it was important to her to really connect with her “children” but she had warning words as well.
“When you’re the mama, no one really tells you the truth,” she said ominously. “They tell you what they think you want to hear. So be careful.”
Ouch, I thought, almost grateful that my own child is incapable of such deception. But listening…yes. Do I do that enough with him? With anyone? That’s a pill I need to swallow now. Can I get a vodka chaser with that?
Jose went on to describe how important it is for everyone in the Court to “stop talking behind each other’s backs or Mama will find out!” Everyone involved needs to become friends and work together. She reminded us to reach out to the entire voting community of the charter location and reminded us that she gave money to unwed mothers and to the city when the need arose. And they voted. Then she uttered her most famous quote, which literally sent chills down my arms, “United we stand, divided they catch us one by one.” Cheers erupted throughout the bus and my eyes were suddenly full of tears. I’m sure it was just the morning sun.
When we arrived at Woodlawn Cemetery in Colma, Mama Jose greeted every single person as they stepped off the bus. I admit, I was nervous.
“I love your outfit, my dear,” she said to me, taking my hand briefly.
I flushed hot in my discount store jacket. “I like yours, too!” was all I could manage. My words sounded like an awed teenager’s and I was whisked away by the next arrival. But I still felt just a touch of that motherly love.
The ceremony at Emperor Norton’s grave site was beautiful and overwhelming. Donna Sachet’s performance of “Unforgettable” certainly was! Patty McGroin’s stilettos started to sink into the soft earth and I helped pull her out and get her settled onto a grave stone. That is a bonding experience right there! When Mama Jose sang “God Save Us Nelly Queens” I knew I was watching a piece of history unfold.
Years later, this day, with its lessons learned and relationships forged, stays with me. I am so fortunate to have been welcomed into the Imperial Court family during this special time and to have learned and grown more each year since. I know I have far to go and I will carry the memory and words of Mama Jose in my heart always.
